Zara
unedited
Cayden was showing his ass on the court. He was in rare form all night. I got so caught up in the hype that I was yelling and cheering just as loud as the rest of the Memphis Grizzlies fans were. True enough, it was my duty as Cayden’s wife to always be his greatest support system, in the public eye at least. But sometimes our problems were so heavy I couldn’t even fake the funk in public. Those days, though, I would avoid his games if at all possible.
Paparazzi could be a bitch, and if they even had a brief thought that Cayden and I were having issues, they would make up lies to sell or harass us until they found some type of proof.
The only time I could really stand Cayden these days was when he was playing ball. It was the only time I saw the best in him. There was a shitload of things I could complain about regarding Cayden Hudson the man, but when he became his alter ego, C-Murder, on the basketball court… none of those things existed.
“Girl! I don’t know what has gotten into your man tonight, but he is on fire!” Brittany grabbed my arm as she yelled. Her excitement further increased mine. Filled me with pride. I loved when they gave Cayden love. He needed it, because obviously the love I gave him wasn’t enough.
“Ain’t he, though? I can’t wait to get his fine ass home!”
Brittany laughed as we high fived. Cayden may have been a dog ass nigga, but he was a loyal one. Faithful? Nah. In fact, we hadn’t had sex in six months. But the way he was showing out tonight… it may have been his lucky night.
Cayden was fine as hell. That’s what first drew me to him. I didn’t normally go for light skinned men, only because I loved how good chocolate skin looked against my own, but Cayden was the exception to my preference. He was a tall, slim red bone with the prettiest features. From his tight, hazel under turned eyes and pink lips to his exquisitely chiseled jaw and high cheek bones. He had curly hair that I always wished our children would have, but he always wore it in plaits that came down to the top of his ears.
We hadn’t had any children, and at first, I used to feel some type of way about it. Now… I think it was God’s way of looking out for me. No matter how much I loved Cayden, I’m sure God knew he wasn’t the man for me. That we wouldn’t be together forever. And when I was done with a man, I completely cut him out of my life. If we had kids together that wouldn’t have been possible.
My attention shifted from Brittany to the court. Cayden had gotten the ball again and was caged in. Everyone had jumped to their feet, and now was one of the times I was glad I always had courtside seats. I held my breath, squeezing Brittany’s wrist as I watched him intensely. There were only twenty seconds left in the fourth quarter and we had come back from a ten-point deficit. All we needed was two points to tie and three to win.
I knew Cayden – he wasn’t going to try and pass the ball so one of his teammates could shoot a guaranteed two pointer. He’d rather take the possible three and lose the game than share the spotlight at this point.
“C-Murder! C-Murder! C-Murder!” I began to chant, and Brittany and the rest of those around us began to chime in. Soon, that’s all you heard across the stadium. With seven seconds left on the clock, Cayden faked left and turned right, shaking ankles like crazy before releasing the ball. My head lifted, eyes wide and mouth open as I watched the ball. I knew it was going in before it did, but I waited until I heard that swoosh before jumping up and down in my six-inch stilettos.
The crowd went wild! Nights like this we used to pray for. We first met in high school but there was no attraction there. Just friends who chatted and believed in each other. That changed right after college, though.
Every time I watched him play, I was in awe. No matter what we were going through within our marriage, I was so proud of him for finally making his dream a reality. Just last year, he suffered from an injury that doctors said would keep him from ever playing professional ball again. But here he was… not only playing but on the starting lineup.
Moments like that were bittersweet. They showed me that Cayden was capable of doing anything he set his mind to. They showed me that I was loyal as fuck. They also showed me that Cayden was a man led by his desires. It didn’t matter how down for him I was, how much I loved him, or how much of myself that I gave to him… Cayden’s desires always outweighed anything else.
Whether that desire was drugs, gambling, alcohol, or women… Cayden would always get what he wanted and deal with the consequences later.
When I was younger, I thought unconditional love meant I had to accept him as he was and deal with the shit. As a grown woman who had healed from childhood wounds and past heartache, I realized unconditional love was acceptance but that it should only be reserved for men who could give it back. Men who wouldn’t force me to accept anything that would hurt me, disrespect me, or dishonor our vows.
Shaking those thoughts off, I tried to stay in this moment. All of his teammates ran over to him, hugging him and showing him the love he deserved. Of course every news outlet in the building wanted to get a quick word with him before he went to the back. A few of the other basketball wives, girlfriends, and even some of the bolder side chicks came over to me and congratulated me like I had done something. As I normally did, I simply thanked them before grabbing Brittany’s hand and heading back to where I usually met Cayden.
Some of them were cool, but after games, my only thought was getting Cayden home before he got into any trouble. Brittany’s husband played for the Grizzlies as well, but he’d been benched because of an injury. He was sick over it, so I was spending a little extra time with her to keep her spirit in check. It was draining as hell dealing with an emotionally unstable man. Brittany poured her everything into him, and as her friend, I felt it was my duty to make sure she always got a refill.
Once we made it to the back, Cayden was wrapping up another interview. His body was still covered with sweat, and I had to remind myself that there was a good chance he’d say or do something to piss me off before we made it home. At the sight of me, he winked, and I genuinely smiled.
I listened as they went over his stats, and he didn’t even seem fazed to hear that he’d scored eighty of their one hundred and thirty points. Brittany cut into my thoughts, telling me she was about to head out because her husband was calling her. He must have been watching the game at home. After she left, I gave Cayden my attention again as he wrapped up his interview.
He walked over to me, keeping a little distance between us since he was sweaty and slightly stinky. It wasn’t an unbearable stench… more salty smelling from the sweat than anything else.
“They want me to do a press interview real quick after I shower, then we can head out.”
I agreed, as if I really had a choice, then followed his security to what had become my favorite chill area in the FedEx Forum. While I waited for the press conference to start, I scrolled social media. My timeline was buzzing with excitement over the game. The Grizzlies had gone through a losing streak. Cayden had a lot of weight on his shoulders trying to consistently bring the team to victory because he didn’t have much help. Just recently they’d done a few trades and it finally looked like they had a solid team.
When I was bored with social media, I checked my email to see if anything new had arrived since the last time I checked. I had my own money and business outside of Cayden. True enough, he gave me the seed money to start my elite housekeeping business years ago, but I’d paid that back over the years and it was all mine now.
It was important to me that Cayden knew I wasn’t with him for his money, so I never asked him to pay for or buy me anything. Any time he did, it was because he wanted to. We’d just purchased a new home in Memphis together because the one we were living in for our five-year marriage was the one he’d gotten when he received his first signing bonus.
The house was really nice, but I didn’t feel like it was my own. The house we were in now we picked out and decorated together. Both of our names were on the deed, and I even helped pay for it. His crazy ass put the money right back into my account, but still. I didn’t tell him, but I was glad he did! With how things were going between us, I wasn’t secure in our marriage. I needed to save all my coins in preparation for being on my own again after so long.
Not long after, the press conference started, and I gave Cayden my attention. He’d changed into one of his signature dark gray tailor made suits that fit his slim, tall, muscular frame perfectly. I listened and watched with pride as he answered their questions with careful thought. At the end, he made it clear that he didn’t know where he would be without God and me. That I was his everything and he’d never loved anyone the way he loved me or had support the way he gets support from me.
When it was done, his security led me outside to the black car that was waiting for us. I hated to admit it, but I was happy to see him standing by the car. He never got in without me. At the sight of me, he smiled and put his phone in his pocket. I was so caught up in the moment I actually kissed him back when he wrapped his arms around me and lowered himself to me.
“Don’t think a nigga didn’t hear you screaming my name out there.”
Even though I blushed, I pushed him away bashfully. “Yea right.”
“I’m for real, Z. I can always tell your voice apart. Every time you yell or cheer, I know it’s you. I heard you start that chant in the final seconds too.”
He stared at me as our driver open the door. “Well, you know I will always support you. I’m proud of you. You were amazing. Congratulations, Cayden.”
He grinned and thanked me softly before helping me inside the car. We sat so close our thighs touched. Cayden’s arm wrapped around me as he tilted his head back and closed his eyes. Absently, I rested my hand on his thigh. Our moment of peace was shattered when he received a phone call that lasted less than thirty seconds.
“Uh, I’m going to make sure you get home safely then head out.”
Not wanting to give him an attitude prematurely, I asked, “With who?”
“Just a few of the guys.”
All I could do was chuckle. Cayden should have been a pure soul because he was such a horrible fucking liar. Every time he lied, he’d twist his mouth to the side. That’s why he owed so much fucking money at these damn gambling rings! He had no type of poker face.
My nostrils flared as my body slacked. Tilted head, I chuckled softly.
“If you’re going out with a bitch just say that shit with your lying ass.”
“Zara…”
“Fuck you, Cayden.”
With a groan, he crossed his arms over his chest. “I’ll just tell them not tonight. I’on’ feel like arguing with your ass, Z. For real.”
“This isn’t an argument, and you don’t have to tell them shit. I know you’re lying. If you’re not going out with some bitch you’re going to a casino or underground gambling ring, and I’m not giving you no more of my damn money when you get in over your fucking head.”
“Whatever, Z,” he grumbled, pulling his phone out of his pocket.
He sent a quick text before stuffing his phone back in his pocket and looking at the side of my face.
“You happy now?”
I scoffed and shook my head. Looking out the window, I had to keep myself from going off.
“I’ll be happy when you get your shit together.”
“This why I made other plans. A nigga ain’t tryna spend his night dealing with your fuckin’ attitude, Z. I just led my team to victory. You think this what I wanna go home to?”
That—that was it.
“Nigga! We were good until you lied. Your ass might’ve gotten some pussy tonight, but you lied! As always. So I don’t give a fuck how you spend your night at this point. Just don’t say shit else to me.”
“You been real slick at the mouth lately. I’m not gon’ tolerate too much more of your disrespect.”
“You think I like talking to you like this?” I paused, voice shaky as I fought tears. Closing my eyes tightly, I inhaled a deep breath. “I hate talking to you like this. I hate letting you upset me and bring me out of my character. I hate feeling like my own husband isn’t worthy of my love, respect, and submission, but you do this to me, Cayden. And since I obviously can’t count on you to be a man worthy of those things, I guess I need to take matters into my own hands and make sure I do whatever it takes to maintain my integrity and loving, respectful nature.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Shaking my head, I clenched my jaw as I blinked back tears. “You gon’ leave me?”
No matter how many times I thought about divorcing Cayden a day, I hadn’t told him of my plans to. It hurt too much. I don’t think I’d ever have the courage to ask him for a divorce, unless he did something to really piss me off. Otherwise, I would probably just pack all my shit one day while he was out the house and have him served with those papers.
“You gon’ leave me like all them otha suckas did, Anna Mae?”
As much as I didn’t want to, I smiled. Pulling my mouth to the side, I shook my head as I fought back a laugh. Cayden knew I loved movies, and What’s Love Got to Do With it? was at the top of my list. It always made me angry to see how Tina Turner was treated, but it always reminded me of my worth and that only I had the power to remove myself from situations that no longer served me.
“Shut up, Cayden.”
“Let me see that smile.” He turned my head in his direction as he made the request. Closing my eyes, I smiled harder as his kissed my cheek. “I’m sorry, aight?” Then my neck. “I did lie, but it wasn’t to be with another woman.” Then my chin. “I was going to a private poker game.” Then the other cheek. “A few of the guys bet on the game tonight, so I was going to collect my winnings and use that to play. But I’ll stay home. I don’t want you mad at me.”
When he returned to his space in the car, I opened my eyes. I was glad that he told the truth, and that it wasn’t another woman, but I wished he would have just told me that from the beginning. It could have saved us from having an unnecessary fight.
“You can go out. Have fun.”
He waited a few seconds, gauging my sincerity.
“You sure?”
With a smile, I nodded. Cayden was the kind of man who thrived off enjoying himself. If he would have stayed home, he would have been miserable which would have made me miserable. Yea, it would have been nice to spend some time with him before he hit the road. And yes, I was going to be bored as hell alone. But I’d rather be alone and have peace than get into it with him over silly shit that wouldn’t matter when the sun came up.
“Positive.”
“Cool.”
He kissed my cheek. But this time, I didn’t feel a damn thing. Looking out of the window into the darkness of the night, I released a soft sigh and tried to figure out how the hell this had become my life.
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